“Remember that how you experience your life has everything to do with perception, perspective, and interpretations. We each have our own core values, beliefs, assumptions, biases, and expectations that shape how we see the world, other people, and ourselves. We may not always realize it but in this way, reality itself is highly personal, and subjective, and with some effort, reality can also become a matter of choice. It can be miserable, even if you have it all or it can be joyful, even if you have nothing” (Noethe).
~ Industry vs. Inferiority~
My fond memories of working with my parents continued throughout this stage of my life. Erickson describes this stage as an “entrance into life." I went so far as trying to incorporate some of these types of experiences with my own children. During this time, I had become eager to learn and tried to absorbed everything around me. Unbeknownst to my Autistic self, I was a sponge and my parents realized I needed to be kept busy so I'd stay out of trouble.
I had developed a sense of self and utilized my sense of industry as a productive member of my family. I felt a sense of pride helping my family in our projects from a very young age. Helping with hunting, landscape and home projects, being the only child in the family, I was included in all home projects. I developed my work ethic and it solidified during this period of my life. I know that after the job was done, I had a strong sense of “I can do it” and an internal feeling of pride. No treats, toys, or money for my jobs, my payment was my internal feelings of satisfaction. The work principle (Ives Hendrick) teaches that “the work principle teaches one the pleasures of work completion by steady attention and persevering diligence”.
I worked hard in school. However, I felt different and inferior as I got further behind in school work and by the time, I was in third grade I first felt like giving up and in many ways I did. For example: When standardized tests came up each year, I just marked the boxes quickly so I could be excused outside. Outside was my safe space. I tried so hard to fit into the box of expectations. Another example: my handwriting was so horrific. I witnessed one of my classmates writing style that was highly appraised by the teacher, I chose to make her style, mine. So I obsessively practiced it until I had it right. This would be the beginning of me trying to fit in.
My first few critical school years were influenced and impacted by outside sources. First, the schooling was just not set up for my learning style. Second, frequent life threatening illnesses that kept me in the hospital and made me fall behind in my classes. Later in life, I'd identify this as C-PTSD. Third, I did not have anyone to help me with my school work; my mother had only had a brief education herself and often time she would tell me how sorry she was when I asked her for help that she couldn’t give. Educationally, this is where I fell behind and have been playing catch up ever since.
One of my greatest strengths I developed during this period and have strengthen throughout my life today is that of problem solving. According to Gardner, he stated “The problem-solving skills allow one to approach a situation in which a goal is to be obtained and to locate the appropriate route to the goal”. I have found that most problems can be solved with enough creativity. Not always though.
I have a strong belief in using self-directed learning activities for all ages and making sure you take into account for the student’s learning styles. I would later learn this after adopting three children with mental health challenges and learning disabilities. However, figuring out your own learning style is key. Break down the damn box! Humanity has room for many boxes, figuratively speaking.
~Identity vs. Role Confusion~
I can remember people saying to me throughout my life, don’t worry it’s just a stage. It was said to me frequently while growing up and has since slowed down as I have gotten older. “Identity issues do not stop at this stage but this is the first time that all these questions collide and begin to take shape”. Remembering some of my adolescence crises as being some of the deepest emotional pain I have ever felt. I agree that Identity issues do not stop at this stage. I do remember feeling them collide and trying to sort them out. It would take me a few decades later to understand my struggles had to do with me being on the spectrum. I can remember pulling away and wanting to be separate and started to imagine what my life would look like in the future. Unfortunately, my desire to pull away had more to do with generational trauma, not just normal stages of development unfolding.
My peers were important but not as important as they were to some of my classmates. I never seemed to fit in. I wasn't the last to be picked in activities, but close. I was selective in all my friendships. My mother said, I was just picky. But in reality it was my trust issues that were impaired by then. However, I was kind and friendly to everyone, but not fake. I was empathic to others especially animals. I soon realized being "fake" was expected, no one wanted the real me, so I soon figured out how to "mask up". I said hello, smiled, and used kind words to just about everyone; I did not avoid anyone due to color, race or disability. In fact, I was drawn to those differences. However, I did not let very many peers into my inner world-or-my heart! Reasons still unfolding.
By the time I was 13, I had been socially programed and my mask was securely fitted. I was anxiously waiting to have a family of my own and I had planned every detail out in my head. By the time I reached 15, I was analyzing how much an apartment cost to rent, how much a car would cost and when I could leave my dysfunctional home. I lied about my age, to get my after-school job which did bring some independence. Although, my education further suffered. I also focused on how much I earned, which gave me my first economic disappointment in life. I also experienced Freud’s theory of psychosexual stage of development during this time, as I longed to have a child of my own and all I wanted was to have sex.
During this stage I was actively trying to figure out - “Who am I? What am I here for?” I also would add “Where am I going?” Spending the early part of this development living with my poor southern grandfather for six months during my mother’s second divorce, was extremely eye-opening. Basically, after seeing and living a whole new culture and life style, I was able to compare and contrast which lead me to start picking and choosing what I wanted for myself in the future. I believed the "American Dream" was possible for everyone. I didn't understand at the time it was propaganda.
Today I still value the time I spent with my grandfather and found it very humbling as well as character building in myself. “Limit and control the exploration process…or if you force adolescents into premature commitments... limit and control their exploration process, adolescents either foreclose on an identity (without exploring options) or postpone the exploration and commitment process” basically equates to role confusion. This is a mouthful but so true. I did have some role confusion as I wanted to skip adolescence and hurry to adulthood, maybe it is due to what Erickson describes here.
~Generativity vs. Stagnation~
According to Erickson I am in his seventh stage of development, but the only thing I recognize is the care aspect of it all. Yes! I am very nurturing at this stage of my life, but really I have been that way as far as I can remember.
Looking back, I do believe I have built on all the stages and currently at the moment I am vacillating between three. This could be what Erikson means when one stage runs into another.
Little red sports car, mid-life, and men. Makes you think what? Mid-life crisis, right. Although, this perspective is sexist when directed only at men, I do believe in mid-life crisis or significant changes made during mid-life. I have observed these behaviors in myself as well as others. Erickson believes that people touch on it during mid-life when they start to enter or fear they are slipping into the Stagnation stage.
I began to think about my very own “mid-life” crisis. My little red sports car was a Honda Rebel 450, she was a beauty. Something I just had to buy when I turned 48. I searched it out and loved my new found freedom or outdoor therapy, your choice. I agree with Erickson, I was feeling myself slipping into Stagnation. This mid-life crisis allowed me to ride in the Cascade Mountain back roads and allowed me to re-connect and heal with Mother Nature. This connections I have with Mother Nature continues to play an important role throughout my ages and stages of life. I believe being in Nature calms my overactive mind and helps me center myself.
Erikson says “Generativity, then, is primarily the concern in establishing and guiding the next generation”. I see this in myself and I am heading there. I believe I am actively working on all three stages. For me it is a little harder to write about this stage since I am currently in. At times, it is not clear to me and is slightly foggy and my road map is in flux. Especially due to the pandemic, I am not as confident about this stage as I enter. However, I have peace, hope, and acceptance about this part of my journey. I have pride and humility as I look back over my stages of development. Finding out that I'm on the spectrum after all these years has been a real eye opener and has given me so much clarity. Currently, I am just pushing forward and adjusting the script as I go.
This word Sherpa intrigued me and after researching, I summed up my own definition of “Sherpa” that best reflects me. “Pointing out the beauty of the journey itself… Sherpa of the Wind…expert guide…helping reach safety and efficiently lead, select routes, identify hazards, make accomplishments…” Love it!
~Integrity vs. Despair~
Erikson seems to believe that integrity is the last of our values. I find that a bit odd as I believe integrity is weaved throughout our lives, a bit like Mary Erikson’s theory. I loved her book! You see the color of integrity spread throughout her rug. I hope for myself that when I reach this stage that I leave this earth with my integrity intact.
I have seen far too many elders in such despair as they near the end and this makes me really sad. I like how Erikson describes integrity and how he states that it is developed by one’s culture and then becomes a part of his soul. Pretty nifty, just saying!
I have seen this firsthand, caring for my own mother. At age 80 she was living through despair. She has unknowingly quoted Erikson almost word for word when she expressed her feelings that the time is now short, too short for the attempt to start another life and to try out alternate roads to integrity. My mom on death’s edge came into my care. She has made great progress since with some needed changes she has gone through (detox and recovery). I now see glimpses of hope in her eyes, voice, and actions. She isn’t focusing on all the disappointments in her life anymore and her integrity is coming back.
Overall, I agree with Joan Erikson, In our minds we will choose to feel integrity or despair at the end. We will either look back and in our minds we will either make peace with our life, or we will look back and realizing that time is up, despair will be our last thoughts. I am working toward peace.
Be sure to check out Part Three Not in a Box!
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